I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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