just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
