i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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