how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
