Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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