ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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