I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
