I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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