he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I understand Curling. That high.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
