dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
