she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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