I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
