You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think my fart just growled at me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
