I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
