why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
