i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
