Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
