It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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