I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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