thus making me awesome and them whores
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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