i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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