help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
