im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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