Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
