Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
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so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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