Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
