my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
