So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
