I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
