i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
