stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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