I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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