You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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