She's JV to your varsity
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
