to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
