well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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