the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
