The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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