her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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