If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
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Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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