DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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