I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
