You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Holy shit dude........stairs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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