i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
