i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
