Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
