John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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