Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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