I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
