Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
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Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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