Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
