I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
