OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
