No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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