shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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