so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
