I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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