she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
