yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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