Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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